Welcome Iya :)

It was Tuesday, October 4. It's a late schedule for my check-up that should have been the Saturday. I had my last ultrasound on that Saturday though but didn't make it to have the regular check-up with my OB so we want back by Tuesday. I haven't felt anything yet or any signal from my baby so I'm not worried. It's not also my due date yet after all.

We've waited for 2 hours before my turn. That's the usual waiting hours for hours if we're early and lucky that day. Jong and I usually talk about the baby, or about the budget, or something like, what I want after my delivery or just anything. On that day, I even asked him.. "What date do you want Iya to come out? :)" I forgot what he said. Haha. But I remember I suggested, "I want 5 or 13 because it's our birth date. Hehe."

And when it's my turn finally, the usual thing that Doc Concepcion will do is to check the heart beat of the baby. On that day, I also showed her the results of my ultrasound. Sadly, it's breech. I'm so worried that it won't turn upside down and there's no other choice but make me a pig (cesarean). But I have this faith. I'm calm and just always praying that iya will turn upside down pa just like what I'm telling her always when I'm about to sleep.

But I was wrong :'( My OB checked for my cervix, or the opening I guess in my vagina and without any sign she said.. "2cm ka na ah, cesarean yan ha. Magpa-admit ka na." I was like.... "What??? When? How? Seriously?"
I asked her, kelan po ako magpapa-admit?"  "Ngayon. Itatawag namin sa hospital na magpapa-admit ka na."
"Ngayon na po? Kelan po ako manganganak?" I know it's a stupid question. Haha. But I was like thinking, maybe we're gonna wait until that 2cm will be 10cm before they cut my tummy :( And I am not really expecting that, that day will be the biggest day. My shock-o-meter went up so high and my OB is just telling me all this without any hesitation and with her normal tone. Para bang, expected na niyang mangyayari yun, e diba nga 17 pa ang due date ko? Tapos 4 pa lang, eto na?!

I don't know how should I feel. Jong and I are laughing when we go out of the room and told the secretary to call the hospital and reserve a room for us. My mind really is a hodgepodge. I don't want to panic, or to get excited but I am. Scared at the same time. And to think, I doesn't felt any pain yet. I'm not in labor either, and then I'm gonna hear that news? I feel so unlucky and lucky at the same time. What kind of pregnancy I have gone through? I didn't have cravings for foods, no morning sickness and now, no labor? Didn't feel anything painful or didn't experienced yung pagputok ng panubigan.

Any, we went back home to prepare the things that we're gonna need. If I can recall it correctly, it's about 10 in the morning when we arrived home. I sent text messages to everyone and they were like so excited and shocked. Some said na may oras pa talaga akong mag-text. Eh I'm not in a rush nga eh. I even took a bath and watched TV while waiting for Jong and my in-laws to prepare themselves too. We left the house around 1:00, I guess.

I'm so nervous when we arrived at the hospital. I don't know what to feel! I was convincing myself pa nga na, hindi pa ko manganganak. Something's gonna happen pa! HAHA. But I was wrong. I'm in the admitting section yata. I'm with Jong while his parents are settling something in Billing section. That's for my room I think. The guy nurse called my OB and reported that I'm already there. The other nurse, the pretty one :), checked again for the heart rate of the baby. After that, another two nurses gave me the wheeled chair and asked me to sit down and wait. The dextrose will be in my hand in any minute and I'm like shaking to death! Haha. I can't remember any moment in my life that I got confined so I don't know how do it feels and how painful it is. Paking shet pa! The first nurse that's inserting the needle is an OJT o trainee or basta hindi marunong because the other one's telling him what to do and I'm shouting in my head na, :"ambagal! bilisan mo na ipasok yung needle kasi medyo masakit na!" Lechugas lang. Pinagpraktisan pa ko. Nyemas.

Jong and I are just smiling every time our eyes meet. We're like talking while we're staring at each others eyes. And then, I told him, Beb,kinakabahan ako... Tapos inaasar pa niya ko! But with support na rin. I know he too, is nervous that time and all he's saying is, everything will be fine. Kaya mo yan, Beb. Aigoooo! Parang di naman? Parang di ko na nga kaya ang tense! Hahah.

Then a big man came and started pushing my wheeled chair. I'm like a child, really. I keep on asking them. What will happen next, where are they gonna bring me, how long will I be in delivery room etc etc. I didn't know that it will be so fast! The big man brought me to the laboratory for blood count check, and we went straight to the delivery room. I feel like crying! I feel like throwing up. Hahah. Before we enter the delivery room, I waved my last  goodbye to Ading. SHIT. I'm so nervous talaga. They asked me to change my clothes. Someone helped me and I keep also on asking her anything that I can ask, "Gaano ba katagal pag cesarean?" Haha. "Ano na gagawin saken?" Eeeehh. Shocks talaga. I'm not gonna experience that kind of feeling again! Super tense ako!

That was 2pm when I was brought in that scary delivery area for me to wait for 3 hours! Yes. I've waited for 3 hours and even fell asleep while waiting. They've checked for antibiotic allergies, checked for the baby's heart rate every now and then, checked for my blood pressure and waited for the OB to arrive. That's the longest hours that I've waited in my whole life. Hahah. Kasi I was expecting, I'm done at around 3 or 4. I want to get it done para mawala na yung kaba ko. Tapos while I was waiting, I'm hearing other mommies there while delivering the baby, normal. Ahuuu. Kawawa yung mga iyak at sigaw nila. And somehow, I thanked God I will not experience the same pain. I thought of these.. Maybe God really allow me to undergo the cesarean operation because I will not make it if I'm gonna deliver iya, normal. Everyone said normal delivery will cause you the pain that you can't ever imagine. The pain that you will never know where it's coming from. But that's the best part. That's where you'll gonna feel the hardship but happiness of being a mother. Also, after that looooongest PUSH... That's the end. A little rest and you'll be back to normal again. Unlike for the cesarean, after the operation, that will be the start pa lang of your pain and hardship.

So at arounf 4:15, Doc Concepcion arrived. I felt so tense again when she asked me how I am feeling. Wew. I'm expecting every minute we're gonna start the operation but that started only around 5:05pm after the anesthesiologist arrived. Gah! They moved my bed, finally and brought me to the operating room. They transfered me to another bed and there I finally saw the scariest light of those operating rooms that I always see on TV. Any minute para akong maiiyak. Para kong bata. The first one to talk to me is the anesthesiologist. I forgot her name. She explained to me what she'll gonna do and what would I feel and what should I do.

Doc: "Hi Kristel, I'm __. Anesthesiologist ako. Explain ko muna sa'yo yung mga mangyayari ha para alam mo ang mga gagawin at hindi dapat gawin. Makinig kang mabuti. Iinject kita ng anesthesia, sa may spinal cord yun. Medyo masakit pero sabi nila mas masakit pa ang dextrose. Kaya wag ka masyado matakot. Kailangan nakabend ka, so tutulungan ka ni kuya nurse para magbend. Medyo maiipit yung baby mo kasi nakabend ka pero normal lang yun. Kailangan kasi ganun ang pwesto mo. So, after mainject nun, makakaramdam ka ng pangingimay. Parang may mga ants everywhere. Magmumula sa paa mo yung pangingimay paakyat hanggang sa may chest mo. Tapos wala ka na mararamdaman. Magchichill ka din, na hindi mo macocontrol. Yung parang nilalamig ka. Dapat normal lang ang paghinga mo. Wag masyadong mabilis. Pwede lang, hinga ng malalim para matanggal yung tense mo. Tapos yung ulo mo, wag mo itataas, yung parang babangon? Bawal yon. Pwede mo lang igalaw yung head mo pa-left or right pero hindi pataas. Mararamdaman mo ginagalaw yung chan mo, paganito ganyan, pero okay lang yun, wala ka mararamdamang sakit. Okay?"

Ako: Masakit po ba? Mararamdaman ko ba pag hinihiwa na?

Doc: Shempre hindi na, may anesthesia ka na e.

Ako: Pero hindi mo ko papatulugin?

Doc: Hindi.

Ako: Bakit hindi pwedeng tulog na lang ako?

Doc: Eh baka makatulog din yung baby mo. Tsaka ayaw mo nun kita mo agad sya pagkalabas niya.

Ako: Ehh, baka masakit..

Doc: (laughing) Hindi. Wag ka matakot. Sundin mo lang yung sinabi ko. Oh, start na tayo?

Ako: Hala hala, wait lang po!

Doc: Bakit?

Ako: Dahan dahan lang...

Doc: Akong bahala...

Nagbend na ako... Wala pa yung injection....

Ako: Aray aray...

Doc: Oh, wala pa Kristel.

Ako to Kuya Nurse: Kuya, pahawak sa damit mo ha...

Kuya Nurse: Wag ka mangungurot ha...

Doc: Oh, Kristel eto na ha.. Konting sakit lang to..

Ako: (OA, paiyak na) ARAYYYYYY!!

Doc: Masakit  ba? Hindi naman gaano ah.. Oh, may isa pa...

Ako: Aray, aray... Aray...

Doc: Oh, tapos na.... Tandaan mo lahat ng sinabi ko sayo....

Ako: Wait lang po, baka hiwain na agad... May nararamdaman pa ko..

Doc: Oh, nafifeel mo na yung pangingimay?

Ako: Opo. (Nanginginig)

Doc: Oh ayan, nagchichill ka na. Sabi ko naman sayo diba. Inhale exhale ka lang...

Ako: Anong ginagawa?? Nakikiliti ako na parang nasasaktan.. (Parang may iniikot sa chan ko)

Doc: Wala pa.. Wala pang ginagawa..

Ako: Wait lang po.. Baka masakit.. May nararamdaman pa ko eh. Maya maya..

Doc: May nararamdaman ka pa? Itaas mo nga yung left foot mo?

Ako: (Itinaas pero di tumaas) Di ko po kaya eh.

Doc: Oh diba, mabigat na yang paa mo at nangingimay na.

Ako: Pero may nararamdaman pa po ako.

Doc: Oh, eto ung injection, try ko itusok sa arms mo... Masakit?

Ako: Medyo po.

Doc: Oh, sa may chan mo naman... Eto, masakit?

Ako: Hmm, medyo?

Doc: Ows? Masakit? Eh nakalubog na?

Ako: Parang hindi masakit pero nararamdaman ko.

Doc: Oh, hindi naman pala masakit eh.

OB: Oh, let's start.

Then she cut it! WAAAAAAAHHH...

Ako: Aray.. aray...

Anes: Masakit ba?

I'm just thinking that it should hurt but it's not hurting. Hahah. Sinasabi ko lang sa isip kong dapat masaktan ako, kahit wala naman ako nararamdamang sakit. Napifeel ko lang ung gnagawa. Napifeel ko nung hiniwa, nung ginagalaw. Parang ambigat ng pakiramdam ko. I keep on saying "aray aray".. Just to ease the tense. Hahah.

Ako to Anes: Wala po bang stress ball jan, o kahit anong pwede kong hawakan o pisilin?

Anes: Tayo, holding hands tayo... Tapos yung isa mong kamay jan sa may bed... Okay na?

Ako: Okay na po.. Malapit na ba makuha yung baby? Gano pa katagal? Kausapin niyo po ako ng kausapin. (Mukang tanga, inaaliw ko sarili ko. Hahaha.)

Anes: Paglabas ng baby mo ilalagay siya dun (pointing on my left side, parang ung lalagyan ng baby sa nursery pag tinitingnan ung babies). Tapos isusuction siya para hindi niya mainom yung mga fluid na galing sayo. Tsaka pa lang sya iiyak. Wag ka magugulat sa gagawin sa kanya. Pag nakalabas na yung baby mo, tsaka kita papatulugin, okay?

At around 5:35... It's done.

When I saw her, I felt something at the same time. Injection again. And this time, it's making me sleepy and dizzy. Then I saw the pedia and the nurse doing something to her, inserting a long tube on her mouth. Scary. Parang ayokong tingnan kasi parang nirerevive nila si iya, ganung datingan. And I'm so scared na baka hindi siya umiyak, meaning, hindi siya huminga. But after 3 times doing that, I heard her cry. Para kong binunutan ng tinik. My eyes are almost close when they brought iya near me while she's crying. And all I can say is... "Hello baby...." And I know, I'm smiling that moment... And blank... I'm asleep. When I woke up, it's already 6:30 I guess. I waited for a few more minutes then the pedia brought iya again to me and showed her now with her clothes on and all clean... And she's crying. That's when I noticed her cutie patootie dimples! Eeeehh. Ankyuuut talaga! Then around 7pm, they brought me to my room where Jong is alone waiting for me.

I'm still a bit dizzy and I don't completely remember what happened or how do Ading looks like when I arrived in our room. After a while, I talk to him na but cannot move my body. Sobrang hirap ng di makagalaw lalo na pag may makati sa bandang paa mo. :( I'm gonna dieee!

That night, only the two of us are there and he took care of me and give whatever I need. I feel so helpless and useless yet so loved :)

The next day, my family came. Papa, mama, tatay, tita nene, ninang vilma and ate beng. On that moment, I don't know what to feel. I feel happy of course. They care for me na, and they are all worried about my condition kasi I'm the only one among our family na na-cesarean and their look are like, they're hurting especially when I can hardly move. But in spite of happiness, there's sadness in me that I don't know where does it come from. I feel like, this day will end, they will leave, I'll be alone, I'll feel alone, again.

That 2nd night, iya was delivered to us. We'll be the one to take care of her, to think Jong and I never held a newborn before, never experience what to do when the baby cries and we're all alone by ourselves. That's the start of my baby blues, my emptiness. I feel like, everything's so hard. I can't sleep. I 'm so scared that iya will cry any minute. I'm so afraid. I have no idea what to do except to give her formula milk. But what if she refuses and still cry? What will I do? Jong needs to sleep kasi may pasok pa sya so I have to take care of iya the whole night. Grabe. Para kong zombie that night. Gising ata ako buong magdamag. Bawat pagdaan ng oras alam ko eh. Ayokong iiyak si iya kaya buhat buhat ko lang sya. Kasi magigising si Ading pag umiyak siya. Naiiyak na ko. Antok na ko. Pagod na ko. Katakot kargahin. Hirap pa ko kasi may dextrose. Ahuuu :((

The next day, dumalaw naman ang mga closest friends ko. Sina Dianne, Abi, Paul, Vince kasama si Herman :) I always have this fear kahit masaya ako at pumunta sila. I feel so alone, always :( Nakakatakot talaga.

I don't want to elaborate more about my sadness. Ayoko na kasi mafeel ulit yun. At pag naiisip ko, nalulungkot ulit ako.. Basta ngayon, excited na ko umuwi sa Lipa! This weekend na :)