Baby Thesis

Paano nga ba maging magulang?

Parang putahe ba 'to na may susundin kang recipe? Parang Science project na may step-by-step procedure? Parang program na kailangan tama ang coding? O parang computer game na may "how to play"?

Pag nabuntis ka, para ka lang namang nagte-thesis. Parang isang malaking project ang pagtutuunan mo ng pansin. Aalagaan mo ng siyam na buwan. Mag-iinvest ka ng maraming time at effort para dito. Gusto mo maging successful yung project kaya lahat ng pwede mong gawin para mapabuti at ikaganda nito eh gagawin mo. Kakain ka ng healthy foods. Lalayo ka sa mga bisyo. Isasantabi mo yung mga bagay na hindi mo dapat problemahin. Parang ito yung pinaka project proposal mo, yung pagbubuntis mo. Dito mo pag-iisipan lahat ng kumbaga sa thesis eh, pinaka-design o template, yung objectives of the study, limitations and delimitations, scopes pati background of the study. Sa siyam na buwan, magiging busy ka kakaintay kung approved ba ang thesis mo. At finally pag labas nito, tsaka mo lang malalaman.

Masarap sa pakiramdam paglabas nito tapos approved. Approved in a way na, healthy at normal ang baby mo. Yung makikita mong kamukha mo, o ng asawa mo. Makikita mo yung ngiti niya, mahahawakan mo siya at maiisip mong "sakin galing tong bulinggit na tao na to..", tapos masasabi mo na lang sa sarili mong... Lahat ng hirap ko sa proposal na to eh bawing bawi na. At lahat ng magagawa mo pa para mapaayos siya eh gagawin mo. Hindi mo na hahayaang ma-reject pa. Hindi ka papayag na may mangyayari pang masama dito para ikasira ng baby thesis na to.

Pero proposal pa lang yun diba? Prototyping at Implementation of the Study pa. Sa totoong thesis, dalawang semester lang yan. Pero dito, pag nagkaanak ka, syempre hindi lang dalawang semester mo aatupagin ang anak mo. Wala nag katapusan, habang buhay yan. Tama, isang pang habang buhay na  thesis making yan.

Pag nagkaanak ka, daig mo pa nga ang nagmamasteral degree eh. Bawat taon kasi, parang may mga achievements kang makukuha, tapos iba iba dun yung mga matututunan mo. Kahit kasi sino, wala namang handang handa na para maging ina o ama e. Kahit nakaplano man ang pagbubuntis mo, pag nandyan na ang baby mo, tsaka lang magiging reality ang lahat. Parang sa pag-aaral, hindi mo naman kasi kabisado ang takbo ng utak ng mga prof mo. Hindi mo hawak lagi ang pagkakataon. Hindi lahat ng araw eh masaya. At sa araw araw na pagpasok mo, hindii mo masasabing araw araw kang handa sa mga mangyayari.

Hindi pa ako bihasa dito. Baguhan nga lang ako eh. Dalawang linggo? Walang wala pa ako sa kalingkingan ng pagiging ganap ng magulang. Dalawang linggo. Yun pa lang ang naaachieve ko, pero madami na rin ako agad natututunan at narerealize.

Ang pagiging magulang, aligaga pag oras na ng iyak ng bata. Parang mga deadlines lang ng projects. Pero ang pagiging ina, parang araw araw eh deadline mo na. Araw araw kasi eh pagpupuyatan mo. Minsan hindi ka makakatulog ng maayos, minsan hindi ka talaga matutulog magdamag. Pag gising ng anak mo, sa ayaw at gusto mo,gigising ka na rin kahit alas kwatro pa lang ng madaling araw. Titingnan mo kung gutom na ba sya, basa ba ang lampin, pawis ba sya, nilalamot o nilalamig. Parang lagi ding may graded recitation na dapat lagi kang handa. Dapat may instinct ka. Dapat kahit hindi ka pa bihasa, alam mo kung anong dapat gawin para sa anak mo. Dapat handa ka. Handa ka gawin lahat para sa kanya. Hindi ka dapat mauubusan ng pasensya kasi ikaw din ang mahihirapan. Kumbaga sa thesis mo, ireredefense mo pa rin, kundi, ikaw din ang babagsak. Kasi pag naubos ang pasensya mo sa codes na di mo mapagana, edi bagsak ka. Parang sa anak mo. Pag wala kang pasensya, hindi mo sya mapapatulog ng maayos. Trial and error yan. I-hehele mo sya. pag tulog na, ibababa mo. Pag nagising, ulit ulitin mo lang i-hele ulit. Haha. Parang do-while loop lang sa programming.



Pag nagte-thesis ka, may mga araw na tatamarin ka talaga gumawa eh. Kaya nagccram ka. Pero sa pagiging magulang, walang cramming. Bawal. Pag nagcram ka, babagyuhin ang bahay niyo sa kalat ng mga gamit dahil hindi mo na magawang malinis dahil hindi mo maiwanan yung baby mo. Dapat hanggat may oras, gawin mo na kasi pag nagising sya, wala ka na ibang magagawa pa kundi alagaan lang sya. Ang pinaka award mo dito eh pah nagsmile na sya sayo. Walang sayang kapalit. Walang pagod na hindi mapapawi. Nakakagigil. Gusto mo laging halikan. Ang sarap panuorin habang natutulog sya. Nakakataranta pag umiiyak na ng todo. Pero pag napatahan mo, siguradong mawawala ang stress mo. Hindi tulad sa thesis to na kailangan mong makakuha ng uno. Wala kasing magbibigay sayo ng grado. Malalaman mo lang na pasado ka pag napalaki mo siyang maayos at may takot sa Diyos.

-bitin. ;P

Welcome Iya :)

It was Tuesday, October 4. It's a late schedule for my check-up that should have been the Saturday. I had my last ultrasound on that Saturday though but didn't make it to have the regular check-up with my OB so we want back by Tuesday. I haven't felt anything yet or any signal from my baby so I'm not worried. It's not also my due date yet after all.

We've waited for 2 hours before my turn. That's the usual waiting hours for hours if we're early and lucky that day. Jong and I usually talk about the baby, or about the budget, or something like, what I want after my delivery or just anything. On that day, I even asked him.. "What date do you want Iya to come out? :)" I forgot what he said. Haha. But I remember I suggested, "I want 5 or 13 because it's our birth date. Hehe."

And when it's my turn finally, the usual thing that Doc Concepcion will do is to check the heart beat of the baby. On that day, I also showed her the results of my ultrasound. Sadly, it's breech. I'm so worried that it won't turn upside down and there's no other choice but make me a pig (cesarean). But I have this faith. I'm calm and just always praying that iya will turn upside down pa just like what I'm telling her always when I'm about to sleep.

But I was wrong :'( My OB checked for my cervix, or the opening I guess in my vagina and without any sign she said.. "2cm ka na ah, cesarean yan ha. Magpa-admit ka na." I was like.... "What??? When? How? Seriously?"
I asked her, kelan po ako magpapa-admit?"  "Ngayon. Itatawag namin sa hospital na magpapa-admit ka na."
"Ngayon na po? Kelan po ako manganganak?" I know it's a stupid question. Haha. But I was like thinking, maybe we're gonna wait until that 2cm will be 10cm before they cut my tummy :( And I am not really expecting that, that day will be the biggest day. My shock-o-meter went up so high and my OB is just telling me all this without any hesitation and with her normal tone. Para bang, expected na niyang mangyayari yun, e diba nga 17 pa ang due date ko? Tapos 4 pa lang, eto na?!

I don't know how should I feel. Jong and I are laughing when we go out of the room and told the secretary to call the hospital and reserve a room for us. My mind really is a hodgepodge. I don't want to panic, or to get excited but I am. Scared at the same time. And to think, I doesn't felt any pain yet. I'm not in labor either, and then I'm gonna hear that news? I feel so unlucky and lucky at the same time. What kind of pregnancy I have gone through? I didn't have cravings for foods, no morning sickness and now, no labor? Didn't feel anything painful or didn't experienced yung pagputok ng panubigan.

Any, we went back home to prepare the things that we're gonna need. If I can recall it correctly, it's about 10 in the morning when we arrived home. I sent text messages to everyone and they were like so excited and shocked. Some said na may oras pa talaga akong mag-text. Eh I'm not in a rush nga eh. I even took a bath and watched TV while waiting for Jong and my in-laws to prepare themselves too. We left the house around 1:00, I guess.

I'm so nervous when we arrived at the hospital. I don't know what to feel! I was convincing myself pa nga na, hindi pa ko manganganak. Something's gonna happen pa! HAHA. But I was wrong. I'm in the admitting section yata. I'm with Jong while his parents are settling something in Billing section. That's for my room I think. The guy nurse called my OB and reported that I'm already there. The other nurse, the pretty one :), checked again for the heart rate of the baby. After that, another two nurses gave me the wheeled chair and asked me to sit down and wait. The dextrose will be in my hand in any minute and I'm like shaking to death! Haha. I can't remember any moment in my life that I got confined so I don't know how do it feels and how painful it is. Paking shet pa! The first nurse that's inserting the needle is an OJT o trainee or basta hindi marunong because the other one's telling him what to do and I'm shouting in my head na, :"ambagal! bilisan mo na ipasok yung needle kasi medyo masakit na!" Lechugas lang. Pinagpraktisan pa ko. Nyemas.

Jong and I are just smiling every time our eyes meet. We're like talking while we're staring at each others eyes. And then, I told him, Beb,kinakabahan ako... Tapos inaasar pa niya ko! But with support na rin. I know he too, is nervous that time and all he's saying is, everything will be fine. Kaya mo yan, Beb. Aigoooo! Parang di naman? Parang di ko na nga kaya ang tense! Hahah.

Then a big man came and started pushing my wheeled chair. I'm like a child, really. I keep on asking them. What will happen next, where are they gonna bring me, how long will I be in delivery room etc etc. I didn't know that it will be so fast! The big man brought me to the laboratory for blood count check, and we went straight to the delivery room. I feel like crying! I feel like throwing up. Hahah. Before we enter the delivery room, I waved my last  goodbye to Ading. SHIT. I'm so nervous talaga. They asked me to change my clothes. Someone helped me and I keep also on asking her anything that I can ask, "Gaano ba katagal pag cesarean?" Haha. "Ano na gagawin saken?" Eeeehh. Shocks talaga. I'm not gonna experience that kind of feeling again! Super tense ako!

That was 2pm when I was brought in that scary delivery area for me to wait for 3 hours! Yes. I've waited for 3 hours and even fell asleep while waiting. They've checked for antibiotic allergies, checked for the baby's heart rate every now and then, checked for my blood pressure and waited for the OB to arrive. That's the longest hours that I've waited in my whole life. Hahah. Kasi I was expecting, I'm done at around 3 or 4. I want to get it done para mawala na yung kaba ko. Tapos while I was waiting, I'm hearing other mommies there while delivering the baby, normal. Ahuuu. Kawawa yung mga iyak at sigaw nila. And somehow, I thanked God I will not experience the same pain. I thought of these.. Maybe God really allow me to undergo the cesarean operation because I will not make it if I'm gonna deliver iya, normal. Everyone said normal delivery will cause you the pain that you can't ever imagine. The pain that you will never know where it's coming from. But that's the best part. That's where you'll gonna feel the hardship but happiness of being a mother. Also, after that looooongest PUSH... That's the end. A little rest and you'll be back to normal again. Unlike for the cesarean, after the operation, that will be the start pa lang of your pain and hardship.

So at arounf 4:15, Doc Concepcion arrived. I felt so tense again when she asked me how I am feeling. Wew. I'm expecting every minute we're gonna start the operation but that started only around 5:05pm after the anesthesiologist arrived. Gah! They moved my bed, finally and brought me to the operating room. They transfered me to another bed and there I finally saw the scariest light of those operating rooms that I always see on TV. Any minute para akong maiiyak. Para kong bata. The first one to talk to me is the anesthesiologist. I forgot her name. She explained to me what she'll gonna do and what would I feel and what should I do.

Doc: "Hi Kristel, I'm __. Anesthesiologist ako. Explain ko muna sa'yo yung mga mangyayari ha para alam mo ang mga gagawin at hindi dapat gawin. Makinig kang mabuti. Iinject kita ng anesthesia, sa may spinal cord yun. Medyo masakit pero sabi nila mas masakit pa ang dextrose. Kaya wag ka masyado matakot. Kailangan nakabend ka, so tutulungan ka ni kuya nurse para magbend. Medyo maiipit yung baby mo kasi nakabend ka pero normal lang yun. Kailangan kasi ganun ang pwesto mo. So, after mainject nun, makakaramdam ka ng pangingimay. Parang may mga ants everywhere. Magmumula sa paa mo yung pangingimay paakyat hanggang sa may chest mo. Tapos wala ka na mararamdaman. Magchichill ka din, na hindi mo macocontrol. Yung parang nilalamig ka. Dapat normal lang ang paghinga mo. Wag masyadong mabilis. Pwede lang, hinga ng malalim para matanggal yung tense mo. Tapos yung ulo mo, wag mo itataas, yung parang babangon? Bawal yon. Pwede mo lang igalaw yung head mo pa-left or right pero hindi pataas. Mararamdaman mo ginagalaw yung chan mo, paganito ganyan, pero okay lang yun, wala ka mararamdamang sakit. Okay?"

Ako: Masakit po ba? Mararamdaman ko ba pag hinihiwa na?

Doc: Shempre hindi na, may anesthesia ka na e.

Ako: Pero hindi mo ko papatulugin?

Doc: Hindi.

Ako: Bakit hindi pwedeng tulog na lang ako?

Doc: Eh baka makatulog din yung baby mo. Tsaka ayaw mo nun kita mo agad sya pagkalabas niya.

Ako: Ehh, baka masakit..

Doc: (laughing) Hindi. Wag ka matakot. Sundin mo lang yung sinabi ko. Oh, start na tayo?

Ako: Hala hala, wait lang po!

Doc: Bakit?

Ako: Dahan dahan lang...

Doc: Akong bahala...

Nagbend na ako... Wala pa yung injection....

Ako: Aray aray...

Doc: Oh, wala pa Kristel.

Ako to Kuya Nurse: Kuya, pahawak sa damit mo ha...

Kuya Nurse: Wag ka mangungurot ha...

Doc: Oh, Kristel eto na ha.. Konting sakit lang to..

Ako: (OA, paiyak na) ARAYYYYYY!!

Doc: Masakit  ba? Hindi naman gaano ah.. Oh, may isa pa...

Ako: Aray, aray... Aray...

Doc: Oh, tapos na.... Tandaan mo lahat ng sinabi ko sayo....

Ako: Wait lang po, baka hiwain na agad... May nararamdaman pa ko..

Doc: Oh, nafifeel mo na yung pangingimay?

Ako: Opo. (Nanginginig)

Doc: Oh ayan, nagchichill ka na. Sabi ko naman sayo diba. Inhale exhale ka lang...

Ako: Anong ginagawa?? Nakikiliti ako na parang nasasaktan.. (Parang may iniikot sa chan ko)

Doc: Wala pa.. Wala pang ginagawa..

Ako: Wait lang po.. Baka masakit.. May nararamdaman pa ko eh. Maya maya..

Doc: May nararamdaman ka pa? Itaas mo nga yung left foot mo?

Ako: (Itinaas pero di tumaas) Di ko po kaya eh.

Doc: Oh diba, mabigat na yang paa mo at nangingimay na.

Ako: Pero may nararamdaman pa po ako.

Doc: Oh, eto ung injection, try ko itusok sa arms mo... Masakit?

Ako: Medyo po.

Doc: Oh, sa may chan mo naman... Eto, masakit?

Ako: Hmm, medyo?

Doc: Ows? Masakit? Eh nakalubog na?

Ako: Parang hindi masakit pero nararamdaman ko.

Doc: Oh, hindi naman pala masakit eh.

OB: Oh, let's start.

Then she cut it! WAAAAAAAHHH...

Ako: Aray.. aray...

Anes: Masakit ba?

I'm just thinking that it should hurt but it's not hurting. Hahah. Sinasabi ko lang sa isip kong dapat masaktan ako, kahit wala naman ako nararamdamang sakit. Napifeel ko lang ung gnagawa. Napifeel ko nung hiniwa, nung ginagalaw. Parang ambigat ng pakiramdam ko. I keep on saying "aray aray".. Just to ease the tense. Hahah.

Ako to Anes: Wala po bang stress ball jan, o kahit anong pwede kong hawakan o pisilin?

Anes: Tayo, holding hands tayo... Tapos yung isa mong kamay jan sa may bed... Okay na?

Ako: Okay na po.. Malapit na ba makuha yung baby? Gano pa katagal? Kausapin niyo po ako ng kausapin. (Mukang tanga, inaaliw ko sarili ko. Hahaha.)

Anes: Paglabas ng baby mo ilalagay siya dun (pointing on my left side, parang ung lalagyan ng baby sa nursery pag tinitingnan ung babies). Tapos isusuction siya para hindi niya mainom yung mga fluid na galing sayo. Tsaka pa lang sya iiyak. Wag ka magugulat sa gagawin sa kanya. Pag nakalabas na yung baby mo, tsaka kita papatulugin, okay?

At around 5:35... It's done.

When I saw her, I felt something at the same time. Injection again. And this time, it's making me sleepy and dizzy. Then I saw the pedia and the nurse doing something to her, inserting a long tube on her mouth. Scary. Parang ayokong tingnan kasi parang nirerevive nila si iya, ganung datingan. And I'm so scared na baka hindi siya umiyak, meaning, hindi siya huminga. But after 3 times doing that, I heard her cry. Para kong binunutan ng tinik. My eyes are almost close when they brought iya near me while she's crying. And all I can say is... "Hello baby...." And I know, I'm smiling that moment... And blank... I'm asleep. When I woke up, it's already 6:30 I guess. I waited for a few more minutes then the pedia brought iya again to me and showed her now with her clothes on and all clean... And she's crying. That's when I noticed her cutie patootie dimples! Eeeehh. Ankyuuut talaga! Then around 7pm, they brought me to my room where Jong is alone waiting for me.

I'm still a bit dizzy and I don't completely remember what happened or how do Ading looks like when I arrived in our room. After a while, I talk to him na but cannot move my body. Sobrang hirap ng di makagalaw lalo na pag may makati sa bandang paa mo. :( I'm gonna dieee!

That night, only the two of us are there and he took care of me and give whatever I need. I feel so helpless and useless yet so loved :)

The next day, my family came. Papa, mama, tatay, tita nene, ninang vilma and ate beng. On that moment, I don't know what to feel. I feel happy of course. They care for me na, and they are all worried about my condition kasi I'm the only one among our family na na-cesarean and their look are like, they're hurting especially when I can hardly move. But in spite of happiness, there's sadness in me that I don't know where does it come from. I feel like, this day will end, they will leave, I'll be alone, I'll feel alone, again.

That 2nd night, iya was delivered to us. We'll be the one to take care of her, to think Jong and I never held a newborn before, never experience what to do when the baby cries and we're all alone by ourselves. That's the start of my baby blues, my emptiness. I feel like, everything's so hard. I can't sleep. I 'm so scared that iya will cry any minute. I'm so afraid. I have no idea what to do except to give her formula milk. But what if she refuses and still cry? What will I do? Jong needs to sleep kasi may pasok pa sya so I have to take care of iya the whole night. Grabe. Para kong zombie that night. Gising ata ako buong magdamag. Bawat pagdaan ng oras alam ko eh. Ayokong iiyak si iya kaya buhat buhat ko lang sya. Kasi magigising si Ading pag umiyak siya. Naiiyak na ko. Antok na ko. Pagod na ko. Katakot kargahin. Hirap pa ko kasi may dextrose. Ahuuu :((

The next day, dumalaw naman ang mga closest friends ko. Sina Dianne, Abi, Paul, Vince kasama si Herman :) I always have this fear kahit masaya ako at pumunta sila. I feel so alone, always :( Nakakatakot talaga.

I don't want to elaborate more about my sadness. Ayoko na kasi mafeel ulit yun. At pag naiisip ko, nalulungkot ulit ako.. Basta ngayon, excited na ko umuwi sa Lipa! This weekend na :)

Greatest Dad.

(Mas maganda yung una kong gawa :( kennice! nawala.)


I know I can never be the best mom. I have flaws when it comes to myself. I can't even handle my own emotions at times. I always worry. I always think negatively. I always cry. I am always like a child. I am always the weak one.

But all that worries can be set aside because he's my opposite. He always seems so calm, so strong and no-problem-at-all person. The past week was like the hardest part of my life emotionally, as of now. I feel like I'm gonna break down any second of the day. It started from the time I held Iya.

I'll make this more emotional, tagalogss.

Siguro totoo nga yung "baby blues" noh? Yung after mo daw manganak parang malulungkot ka, minsan parang ayaw mo pa sa baby mo, depress ka. Mga ganung bagay. Kasi daw parang, punong puno ka ng excitement nun wala pa siya tapos ngayon, anjan na, ano na? Parang ganun. Tsaka maninibago ka sa lahat. Nakakapanhina lang na nararamdaman ko yun hindi lang dahil kay iya kundi pati kay JD at sa sitwasyon, at sa pamilya namin.

Tapos nakakainis lang din na si Jong yung tipo ng taong hindi namomoblema sa kahapon at sa bukas. Kung ano yung ngayon, yun yun ginagawan niya ng paraan pero di niya pinoproblema, di niya iniisip na problema. Kaya lahat kaya niya i-handle. Pero ako, di ko siya kaya tingnan ng ganun e. Nung isang gabi,umiyak ako. Ang sakit sakit kasi nung tahi ko. Parang napagod. Naiyak na lang ako bigla habang nagpapabreast feed ako. Tapos yung gabi before nun, umiyak din ako dahil kay Jong.

J: Oh, bat ka umiiyak beb?
K:Eh, di ko kasi kayang tingnan ka, parang pagod na pagod ka na. Lahat ikaw ang gumagawa.
J: Hindi beb, kaya ko naman eh. Tsaka ganun talaga. Ngayon lang naman to kasi nagpapagaling ka pa. Pag okay ka na, dalawa na tayong gagawa ng lahat diba? :)
K: Alam ko naman un kaso nahihirapan ako para sa'yo. Kaya nga gusto ko sa lipa na muna tayo. Dun mabilis ko masasabi sa mga tita ko o kay inay na alagaan muna si iya habang di pa ko magaling. Sabi nga ni inay, dalhin ko lang daw dun si iya eh, siya na mag-aalaga.
J: Beb,kaya ko naman kayo alagaa pareho ni bebi e. Sabihin mo lang saken yung mga dapat kong gawin, kaya ko naman.

Parang ayaw niya umuwi sa Lipa kasi siya naman daw ang mag-aadjust. Syempre sya naman yung hindi free gumalaw. Pero kailangan talaga namin umuwi dun kasi aalis yung parents niya kasama yung dalawa niyang kapatid. Wala kami makakasama for 5 days. So ako, pagkakataon na yun. Gusto ko mas matagal kami dun kaya sabi ko, sunduin kami dito ng mas maaga.

Ang dami dami ko laging inaalala. Kaya lagi akong depress at naiiyak. Tapos nagpaparamdam ako sa kanya ng mga ganitong bagay.

K: Beb, gusto mo dun muna si iya kina inay? Habang nag-aaral ka pa tapos ako hahanap ng trabaho. If ever wala pa tayo mahanap na baby sitter tsaka kung wala pa tayo pang sweldo sa baby sitter.

Naiiyak ako habang sinasabi ko yan, pinipigilan ko lang. Kasi alam kongg aayaw siya at ayaw niya din pag-usapan.

J: Beb, anu un? Weekend lang tayo makikita ni bebi? Ayoko nun.
K: Eh saglit lang naman diba? Pang samantala lang. Ako nga 7 yrs. inalagaan ni inay eh. Tapos nagwowork sina mama at papa.
J: Beb, di porket ganun ginawa sa'yo, gusto ko ganun na din para kay iya.

Parang iritable na lang siya lagi pag ganun yung topic. Tipong ayaw na ayaw niyang mapapahiwalay kay iya. Natutuwa ako at naiiyak kasi it seems like he loves her more than I love her :( Kakatouch lang.

Tapos iniisip ko pang sabihin na, sa 2nd semester niya, dun na lang kaya muna kami ni bebi sa Lipa. Tapos dalaw dalaw na lang siya. Alam ko mag-aaway kami pag ni-suggest ko yun. Pero ayoko nung pumapasok siya tapos maiiwan kami ni iya dito sa kanila. Tsaka nung buntis ako, sila na lahat eh. Pati ba naman pagkapanganak ko pa diba. Pabigat na kami masyado. Nakakhiya na. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko siya mapapapayag pero ayoko talaga dumito ng wala pa kong trabaho, ng wala pa ko maiaambag sa gastusin para sa aming tatlo. Pero pano? Ayaw na ayaw niya mapahiwalay samen? Alam mu un, nakakatouch talaga. Hindi niya naiisip na mas free siya pag andun kami sa Lipa. Yung mas makakapaglaro siya, mas makakalabas, di niya kami aalagaan. ang iniisip niya, gusto niya lagi kami kasama. Tipong hindi kumpleto pag wala kami.

Ang sama ko ba kasi di ko yun napifeel? Ako naman kasi, para sa amin tatlo yung iniisip ko. Yung mas makakabuti samen kahit na mas mahihirapan kami.

Tapos yung mga tanon kong...
K: Beb, hindi ka ba natatakot kay bebi?
J: Panong natatakot? Natatakot ako pag tulog siya baka biglang maglungad o kaya kagatin ng ants or lamok.

Samantalang ako.
K: Ako natatakot ako pag gabi na eh. Kasi baka hindi tayo patulugin o baka mahirap patahanin.

Bat ako ganun yung worries ko? Haha.

J: Ahh, eh diba ganun daw talaga pag baby pa. Tiis lang tayo sa puyatan. Hehe.

Sa gabi at madaling araw si Jong ang gising ng gising. Pag gigising ako, late na kasi inaasikaso na niya si iya. Gising na siya para ayusin siya, itimpla ng milk, i-hele  siya, ayusin yung kulambo, tingnan kung may ants at lamok, tingnan kung nagsuka.

Ang tyaga niya, grabe. Mas lalo ako naiiyak pag ganun e. Nakakainis. Ako, shempre nagpapagaling pa kaya di ako makagalaw masyado. Kaya sabi ko sa kanya siya muna, tiis lang siya. Pero minsan sobra sobra yung pagaalaga niya. Ang kulit.

Tapos last time, tulog si iya...

K: Beb, dun tayo kabilang kwarto, nuod tayo. Tulog naman si bebi eh.
J: Eh, ayoko iwan yan si iya, baka may kumuha.
K: Hahah! Baliw. Sino kukuha jan?
J: Joke lang.. Pero ayoko nga iwan sya. Wag na lang natin iwan.

Pa-joke lang niya sinabi pero ayaw niya talaga iwan. Kaya pag manunuod kami, bitbit namin, ililipat namin lahat ng gamit. Panlatag, ung kulambo niya, pillows. Kahit mahirapan siya kasi siya nag aayos lahat. Okay lang basta kasama namin si iya. Letse! Edi siya na! Siya na talaga ang best dad everrr! Ang swerte swerte namin ni bebi iya sa kanya :)

Nakakainis kasi mas nagiging emotional ako kasi ang galing galing niya lagi. Kaya niya lahat gawin para samin. Kennice pa nga talaga!! Hahah. Hay nako, di na ko makapag intay magtrabaho.. Makakabawi din ako sa kanya at kay iya! PANGAKO. Gagawin ko din lahat, para sa kanila Mag-intay lang sila na maging fully recovered na ko.

Pagbubuntis

Gaano kahirap magbuntis?

Kung ako lang ang pagbabasehan, sa mga pinagdaanan at pinagdadaanan ko pa lang, siguro kahit paano eh madali lang. Hindi kasi ako naglihi, walang morning sickness, hindi nasusuka sa iba't ibang amoy, hindi sensitive.

Pero sobrang hirap na ng mga nangyayari para sakin. Inip na inip na ako sa siyam na buwan na madaming bawal, madaming sakripisyo, madaming kailangang kainin na hindi ko hilig.

Sabi ko nga kay Jong, first and last na to eh. Ayoko na magbuntis. Okay lang saken kahit sa ibang babae na lang pero sya pa din ang ama :)) wag lang ako ulit maghirap ng ganito. Haha!

Noong unang trimester, ang mahirap lang eh yung ang sakit sakit lagi ng lower back ko. Pero the rest, wala naman ako poblema. Kaya nga hindi ako naniniwala nung una na buntis talaga ako, kasi parang normal pa din naman lahat. Actually, nagyoyosi ako nung mga time na yun. At nag inom pa ata kami once kaya nga nangangamba ako kung may part kay baby na baka maapektuhan. Nagpepray talaga ako na wala talaga.

Nung next trimester naman, 4-6 months, eto yung nag-aadjust na talaga ko kasi lumalaki na yung tummy ko. Ambili ko mangalay, kailangan may support lagi yung likod ko, ang hirap humanap ng pwesto pag matutulog, hindi pwede yung sudden movements. Tapos ambilis ko mapagod. Konting lakad na pataas ang daan, pagod na ako. Dito yung time na naiisip kong totoo na talaga to. Kasi lumalaki na talaga yung chan ko. At nagstart na din magkaroon ng stretch marks, nagstart na din gumalaw si bebi ng pakonti konti mga early 6 months ata or 5th month. Tapos pinakamahirap din tong trimester na to kung ang paguusapan eh yung emotional aspect. Dito naganap yung paglipat ko dito kina Jong. Dito din naganap yung dumalaw ako samen at nagkaharap ulit kami ni papa. Pero dito rin yung nagka-ayos na din kami at last.

At eto na, nasa last trimester na ko. Eto na yung time na parang ang bagal bagal ng mga araw kasi iniintay ko na lang na mag-labor na ko at isugod na ko sa ospital at tapos na, lumabas na ang baby ko! :D

Habang tumatagal ang pagiintay ko lalo akong nahihirapan. Lalo akong kinakabahan. At lalo akong naiinip at naeexcite. Grabe yun day to day routines ko. Parang ang dami ko pang gustong gawin pero tamad na tamad na ko.

Grabe yung mga galawan ni bebi! Ang likot likot niya paminsan tapos umaalon pa talaga yung chan ko minsan. Tipong makikita ko talaga kung paano siya gumalaw. At mapapatigil ako sa kung ano mang ginagawa ko.

Hayy. Pinakamahirap na 3 months to ng buhay ko, sa ngayon :D Physically stressed talaga ako. Tinatawag na akong auger ni Jong! Ang laki kasi ng hita at paa ko. Tapos yung mukha ko parang namamaga na din. Ewan ko ba kung bakit ganto na tong mukha kong to pero ampanget ko pala talaga pag tumaba ako!

Imba yung frustrations na kinakaharap ng mga buntis sa tuwing makikita nila yung lumba lumba nilang katawan. Isama mo pa yung mga nag iitimang singit at mga stretch marks.

Tapos, ang hirap hirap bumangon lalo na sa sahig kami natutulog ni Jong. May kuchon naman na malambot pero yung effort na pagtayo, isang malaking pagsubok. Tapos minsan may mapi-feel kang nawiwiwi ka na, kasi yung galaw ni bebi parang pababa sa puson mo. Tapos di ka makakatagal sa upong indian sit. Kelangan kasi nakabend ka ng konti palikod kasi feeling mo laging naiipit yung chan mo. Tapos pag may nahulog, eeffort ka din talaga bago mo sya makuha! Di ka makapaghilod ng maayos sa lower parts ng katawan mo kasi di ka makakayuko, tapos pag nakaupo ka naman maligo, mejo nakakangalay pa din pero ganun ang ginagawa ko, nakaupo ako. Pag magtu-toothbrush ka, or maghuhugas ka ng pinggan, laging mababasa yung damit mo kasi di mo mapapansin, nangunguna nga pala yung chan mo. Minsan din pag dadaan ka patagilid sa masikip na daan, mauuntog yung chan mo kasi malilimutan mong may bukol ka sa nga pala sa chan. Haha! Mamimiss mong matulog ng nakadapa kung mahilig kang dumapa dati. Pahirap din maglagay ng lotion sa legs mo. Grr. Ang hirap din magsuot ng undies! How do u wear undies ba? Yuyuko ka diba? Eh hindi ka nga makakayuko e. So it's either uupo ka sa kama or chair para maisuot mo or pag nakatayo ka, one leg at a time while holding the undies. Pag nahulog, badtrip. Haha. Nakakainis sumakay at bumaba ng jeep at tricycle kasi dapat dahan dahan, pero nakakahiya naman kung magbabagal ka diba. Kangalay sa likod tapos hassle pa kasi I shouldn't look like nahihirapan. Hahah. Tapos triple ang init na nararamdaman ko kumpara sa mga kasama ko. Kung pwede nga lang may baon ka laging aircon eh. Leche. Napakadaming bawal! Hotdogs, preservatives, fish balls, sweets, softdrinks, chicha, noodles, mga super malalamig. Pero halos lahat yan, kinain ko. Hahah. Pero shempre konti konti lang. Magiging sakang ka pa, at pag minamalas malas ka, mamamanas ka. Patay. Ako, di naman gaano.

Ngayon, gano nga ba kahirap magbuntis? Hahaha. Wag mo na isipin! Manganganak pa nga eh :)) Tingnan naten kung kakayanin ko pa :))

Adoption.

How's this work? I'm thinking of what Ate Mayelle (Jong's sister) told me about adopting iya. I don't know if it's gonna be too complicated or if that sounds crazy but it will be convenient for the three of us, for sure, Jong, iya and I.

Is that really possible? Well yes, as she have said, the lawyer can simply make papers that she will adopt my child. But in iya's birth certificate, Jong and I are still the parents. Ate just wants to give my baby all the benefits that she can give for her since she doesn't have a child yet. Sayang naman daw diba at makakatulong yun talaga samin. Pero siyempre kami pa din ang tatayong parents at mag-aalaga.

I think there won't be a problem in adoption papers. But in cases of returning the child, I don't know if that's easy and possible. Paano nga ba ibabalik ang batang inampon?

I don't have any idea aside from what I've read in Philippines Constitution that adopted parents can return the child if the child refuses the adopted parents or kapag di na ata kaya suportahan? Or kapag may violence between them blah blah. I'm not really sure lalo na't ngnonose bleed ako pag binabasa ko. Haha.

Pero kung ano't ano man, gusto ko na sana makausap si ate at ang lawyer bago pa ko manganak. Just to make it clear with them at para makapag isip pa kami ni Jong.

Nevertheless, may tiwala naman ako kay ate at sa pamilya ni Jong. :) And I'm so thankful kasi si ate mismo yung nag offer sakin about this, to help us out :) So kind...

Last 21st Celebration for just the two of us :)

It's a positive one, though :)

Hopefully, this is really the last because it will only mean that iya's overdue if not. Haha.

This is the first time we cooked something together for our monthsary :) Di kasi kami mahilig magluto at di talaga kami marunong. We usually have a date, watch movie, time zone, eat our favorites, basta just mall galore. Unlike the past few months, we're celebrating every monthsary together sa bahay lang. We did watch movies in cinemas but not as often as before. We usually watch downloaded movies na lang sa laptop which is for me, more fun and enjoy kasi we can do whatever we want while watching.

Pero yun nga, for this 26th monthsary, we cooked Carbonara. Haha. Thanks to Del Monte for the ready-made Carbonara sauce. Haha! He enjoyed it, I know. Kasi kahit di ganun ka-professional at di kami ganun kagaling, nakapag bonding kami ng iba sa mga usual bonding moments namin. And it was perfect for us nung kinakain na namin kasi may love ingredients na. Haha. Ang corny pero totoo. Tipong napapa-smile kami pag sumusubo :))) And I told him, we can do it every month. This can be our monthsry bonding, for a change and for us to learn kahit paapano. And then I realized, iya's gonna be with us na by next month so he said "naku, di na pwede yun." And then I told him, "Why not?! Patulugin natin si iya. O kaya, bitbit ko sya. Ayaw mo nun, junior masterchef agad sya?" At nagtawanan na kami when we imagined iya while we're pretending to be masterchef's judges. Hahah.

Ayun lang aang kwento ko. Bitin kasi I just want to take this memory down. The following months kasi will be far far different from this day, from all the days that have gone. I expect the rest of the days of my life to be more challenging, scary (konti), exciting and happier! HARDEST I gues, yet HAPPIEST. To think I can't have work immediately after kong manganak, I'm going gaga thinking how will I swallow my pride and ask for Jong's parents support para lang sa gatas ng anak ako. Yun pa lang, mahirap na. I'm always praying to Him to give me strength talaga for the coming days. WEW.

I'm sooo excited though :D hahaha!

Friendless.

Lagi ko naiisip, hindi talaga siguro ako swerte pagdating sa mga kaibigan. Ang gusto ko kasi noon, madami akong kaibigan. Madaming kadaldalan. Madaming kasama pag galaan na. Yung magulo at maiingay at masasaya.

Pero nagbago din naman yun. Bigla na lang naisip ko, di rin pala maganda pag madami, magulo at maiingay. Parang hindi naman talaga kayo nagkakaintindihan lahat kesa sa konti lang kayo tapos mas kilala niyo yung bawat isa. Ang gusto ko na lang, yung ilang mga piling kaibigan lang. Yung mga totoo. Nung college kasi ako, naranasan ko na hindi lahat eh pwede mong ituring na totoong kaibigan. Acquaintances lang kumbaga. Haha. Para bata ang mga realization ko diba. Pero natataon lang talaga kasi na dun ako napupunta sa grupong, kaunti lang. Tapos marerealize ko, mas okay pala noh? Hindi yung puro saya lang, mga katropa lang. Lalo sa college. Kahit sino naman pwede mo maging katropa. Dahil sa inuman. Dahil sa common friends. Puro ganun. Pero pag may problema ka, biglang maiisip mo, kanino ka magsasabi? Sino kaya yung seseryoso sa'yo? Mahirap. Kasi kainuman mo lang sila. Naging kabatian mo lang tapos tropa na kayo.

Tapos ngayon, eto na naman ako. Pakiramdama ko na naman, na wala akong kaibigan. Pakiramdam ko nandyan sila pero ang lalayo nila. Pakiramdam ko, naaalala nila ko pero hindi nila ako namimiss. Pakiramdam ko, hindi naman ako ganun ka-ispesyal para bigyan nila ng oras.

Ganun na lang lagi ang pakiramdam ko mula pa dati. Ewan ko ba kung dahil iba kasi ako magbigay ng atensyon sa kaibigan? O dahil talagang  wala namang ispesyal saken para maging kaibigan nila. Waha. Dramaaa.

Mula kay Rya, na ast option naman ako palagi, kina Dianne at Abi na lagi din namang busy sa iba't ibang bagay pero madalas ay sa jowa, kina Kim at Winona na sadyang malalayo lang talaga at internet lang ang pwedeng makapagkonekta samin, kay Bins at Paul na puno din lagi ang sked sa iba't ibang grupo nila ng kaibigan, sa college friends kong sina Joy, Alec, Revin at Allan na sa text ko lang madalas makasama dahil may sari-sarili naman silang lakad at kung magaaya ay laging wrong timing, o kaya naman hindi naman talaga nag-aaya (siguro naiisip nilang hindi nga ako lagi pwede).

Sila lang. Sila lang naman ang mga tinuturing ko talagang mga totoong kaibigan eh.

May mga oras lang sa panahong 'to, na nalulungkot ako kasi nga parang ang lalayo nilang lahat. Alam kong literal na malayo ako dahil nasa Binangonan ako. Pero nakakadisappoint na ganito na nga ang kalagayan ko, hirap magbyahe, bored na bored sa bahay, walang pera, walang magawa, tapos ganito pa yung mararamdaman ko mula sa kanila na parang no one can shorten the bridge between us. Yun bang kahit gano kalayo eh bibisitahin man lang ako? Sa buong panahon ng pagbubuntis ko na napunta ako dito, wala man lang nakagawang puntahan ako (si Bins nag-offer :) ). Kahit kamustahin o tingnan man lang ang lagay ko o namin ni Iya.

Eh okay lng naman kasi kung walang nagsabi na pupuntahan nila ako dito. Mag oover night dapat. Yung iba, gugulatin na lang daw ako. Pero, sa mga sinabi nila, walang natuloy.

Eto, manganganak na pala ako mahigit isang buwan mula ngayon. At ayun. Wala na akong inaasahan mula sa mga kaibigan kong nangako noong una pa lang akong nagbubuntis.

Hindi naman ako yung kaibigan matagal mawala ang tampo eh. Pero matampuhin talaga ako minsan. Haha. Pero madalas, para bang naiisip kong, wala naman akong karapatang magtampo kasi sino ba naman ako? Di naman kasi ako yung sentro ng grupo. Di naman ako yung oag nawala eh hindi na kumpleto.

Haha. Ang sensitive ko lang siguro ngayon. Kahit naman nga ang pamilya ko, yung mga tita ko? Nagsabing dadalwin din daw nila ako pag may oras sila. Hay. Pero wala din naman natuloy eh. Yung pamilya ko nga di nagawang puntahan ako, kaibigan ko pa kaya?

Pero lahat naman yun naiintindihan ko ko. May mga rason naman sila na katanggap tanggap siguro. At wala ako "say" magdemand diba? Nakakalungkot lang. Hindi ko man lang naramdaman mula sa mga totoo kong kaibigan na kahit papano, ispesyal din naman ako sa kanila para bigyan nila ako ng oras na puntahan ako kung nasaan man ako.

Kaya din siguro ganito na lang ako makademand sa atensyon ni Jong. Siya pa tuloy ang nagdudusa sakin. Haha. Siya na lang lagi ang sumasalo sakin. Haha. Siyempre no choice naman din siya.. At siya lang naman talaga ang meron ako. Siya at si Iya.

Di bale pupunuuin naming dalawa ng atensyon si Iya. Na kung madami man siyang magiging kaibigan o wala, hindi niya mararamdaman na hindi siya ispesyal..

Salamat na nga lang at may blogspot eh. Salamat din at may taga basa ako :) Kayo lang, boid at labins. :) Kailangan ko lang minsan mailabas. At kayo lang naman ang handang makinig. :) Mahal na mahal ko kayow :D

25th and 7th

It's our 2 years and 1 month. And it's Iya's 7th month (not accurate though).

Well. Just another ordinary day.

What is an ordinary day?

A day full of love :) A day of bonding. A day of normal sweet things, I love you's, hugs, kisses and funny moments. A whole day with him. Just him. Having the attention that I want. Having him by my side. That's now ordinary yet always a special one.

You see, as we grow older, as we spend time with each other longer than  before, we happen to get used to it but not in the way na nagkakasawaan na kami. We're getting used to waking up next to one another and prepare breakfast together or sometimes whoever get up first. We're getting used to having good mornings and thankful ALWAYS knowing we're still alive. It's funny when I thought of the times when Jong's mom won't allow us to sleep together but as I often stay here, it became normal I guess for them. And it's just that Jong will really do something to sleep beside me (when everyone was already asleep. haha!). We're also used to the habits of each other. Him, playing and me, text,play with Javien, tambay lang sa tabi niya, internet, reading, anything that will not bore me. I easily get bored in online games so I always ends up making papansin to him and putting up dramas. Haha!

Yes we're like really husband and wife. I just can't believe it yet, until now. Haha. But the good thing is, we just can't get enough of each other pa din. Pag nasa baba ako, andun din siya, pag sa taas andun din siya. It feels like we're still missing each other kahit na magkasama naman na kami sa isang bahay. We're also like always excited to see each other whenever he just arrived from school or OJT. His face was like a child received candies from his mom when he sees  me, and when I didn't smile back at him, he'll say "hayy.. di naman siya masayang makita ko :(" And his face turns into grimace. Haha. That's the time when I know I need to make lambing :)

I asked him once, something like... "Do you think, we're still like this when we grow old?" I mean, I'm sure we're gonna be lolo and lola in the future and I know we're still together but are we the same aneng and ading that we are right now? Like, the sweetness, the child-like expressions and the excitement?

I'm not sure but I know we'll be loving each other more and more each day. I've known him for more than 4 years now and I still don't know if there's more of his attitude that I'm gonna discover but whatever it is hidden inside him, positive or negative, I'll adore him more than he can ever imagine. I will be more in love with him. That's for sure :)

A concerned wife

Ako yon, Oo. Concern lang ako :) Meron akong maliliit na hinaing sa kanila kahit na alam kong wala akong karapatan para magkaron ng sama ng loob o ano man. Lagi kong iniisip, bunso kasi si Jong, o kaya, wala pa kasi kami nai-aambag dito sa bahay, o kaya, palamunin pa lang kasi kami sa ngayon. Kahit masama pakinggan, oo, palamunin lang naman talaga kami dito kaya parang laging wala kami karapatan sa lahat. Nakakalungkot paminsan kasi, anak naman nila si Jong eh. At oo, suportado naman talaga kami sa lahat ng gastos pero para saken, bilang asawa niya, nasasaktan lang din ako at ako yung sumasama ang loob.

Alam ko, yang si John Donn, wala naman sa kanya yung mga ganung bagay eh. Kasi sanay na siya. Kahit noon pa naman, ganun na talaga sila sa kanya. Bunso kasi, bunso kasi. Ganun na lang lagi.

Madami ako alam na ganung storya. Kahit nga yung kapatid ko eh. Binubully ko din lagi. Utos dito, utos dyan. Tapos pagalit pa ko. Hahah. Pero yung kapatid ko, walang angal. Susunod pa din siya. Maiinis siya alam ko, pero susunod pa din siya saken. Ganun siguro lahat ng bunso? Ang babaet sa mga nakakatandang kapatid. Haha!

Pero ngayon, parang mas lalong nawalan ng karapatan si Jong sa lahat. Parang lalong lumiit yung natitira niyang karapatan dito. At dahil saken yun :( Dahil sa halip na siya lang, tatlo pa kaming magiging pabigat dito.

Alam ko burara yang si Jong sa gamit niya. Minsan nga pagod na ko sermonan yan eh. Lagi ko na lang papaalalahanan na ilagay yung mga hinubad niyang damit sa labahan, ibalik sa dati yung mga kinukuhang gamit, wag kalimutan kung san pinapatong o nilalagay yung mga gamit niya o gamit ko o gamit ng mga tao dito. Kasi sa kanya lagi hinahanap. Di kasi marunong magbalik ng gamit.

Naiinis din ako paminsan. Kaya lagi ko yun sinasabihan. Pero alam ko, matututunan din naman niya yon. Di ko naman pagsasawaan yon, kahit araw araw ko siya pagsabihan. Iba ibang strategy lang. Hahah!

Tsaka, kahit madami siyang ganung flaws, alam kong napakabuting tao ng asawa ko. Feeling ko nga, siya pa ang pinakaresponsableng tao, asawa/bf sa kanilang magkakapatid eh. Haha. Siyempre, asawa ko eh noh? Pero sa mga nakita ko, experience ko, ang kulang lang naman kay Jong sa ngayon eh trabaho eh. Nagiging responsable lang sila kasi may kita na sila, nakakapagbigay sila ng pera, eh si Jong hindi pa. Kaya para bang kung makautos na lang ang mga kapatid niya, para bang may kasamang, wala ka na nga silbi dito, di mo pa magawa yung mga inuutos sa'yo.

Lalo na si Kuya AJ. Kapag may maling nagawa si Jong, o kaya may hiniram si Jong sa kanya, o kaya may gamit siyang nawawala, para bang wala na nagawang tama si John Donn. Ewan ko. Napakademanding niya :( Laging pagalit pag kinausap si Jong.

"Jong, bat ba lagi mo kinukuha tong mouse ko?!"

"Jong, nasan na yung earphones ko?!"

"Jong, maghugas ka nga dun ng pinggan! Sinong inaasahan mo maghugas ng pinggan?!" (Kahit naman, huhugasan din yun. Kaya lang wala pang tubig.)

"Jong, maglinis ka nga sa 2nd floor."

Lagi na lang niya pinaglilinis si Jong. Yung tipong, parang hindi kami naglilinis? Eh naglilinis naman talaga kami pag may oras. Pero pag nagdemand siya, para bang araw araw eh naglilinis siya at pagod na pagod eh pasok trabaho, tulog at kain lang naman din ang ginagawa niya. Isang beses ko lang siya nakita naglinis. Sa kwarto lang niya.
Tapos ang dami niya sinasabi. Ang dami niya comment. Eh bakit hindi siya ang gumawa?
Tapos kapag may kailangan siya kay John Donn, lalo sa laro nila sa Rohan, demading pa din... :|

"Jong! Pahiram nung armor mo! Tsss. Di mo naman ginagamit eh!"

Alam ko simpleng bagay lang yun pero diba ikaw na nga yung may kailangan. Tapos pag ayaw ni Jong, galit pa siya. Eto namang si John Donn, napakamalumanay.. Ang sasabihin lang..

"Ehh. Hirap maglipat eh. Wag na.."

Di man lang magsabi ng... "Akin yun eh. Gawa ka sarili mo."

Pag siya kinakausap ng kuya niya, parang walang respeto.

Alam ko normal na yun sa kanya. Pero, ganunin yung asawa ko sa harap ko? Nasasaktan naman ako. Ayoko ng ginaganun siya kahit na alam kong kuya niya yun. 

Pati si kuya jason. Pag nag utos yan kay Jong, gusto niya sunod agad. Pagsalin ng tubig, pagbaba ng mga gamit sa sasakyan. Hala? Boy na boy ah.

Yun na yun. Basta. Nasasaktan lang ako na palamuning palamunin ang dating namin ni Jong kasi sunod lang kami sa lahat. Ako, di naman ako inuutusan pero siyempre, wala pa din akong boses. Wala ako karapatan. Kaya pag nasasaktan ako para sa kanya, sinesave ko na lang siya. Sinasabihan ko na lang siya na, "Beb,sundin mo na.." "Beb, wag mo na kasi gamitin yun." Para wala na marinig.

Tapos kagabi din.. Kahit mama at dadi niya ganun din naman sa kanya eh. Kasi nga ganun na yung pagkakakilala nila kay Jong. Pag may nawala, yung gunting, yung susi, yung towel, yung pera... Lahat sa kanya itatanong, sa kanya hahanapin, at sure silang si Jong ang kumuha. Kahit na minsan, wala naman talaga sa kanya.. Sana maalis ko pa sa kanila yung ganun image ni Jong :( Sana maturuan ko na siya na maging responsable sa mga maliliit na bagay para hindi na siya lagi pag initan...

Minsan kasi, kapag hindi na talaga siya ang may kasalanan, siya pa din.. Ayoko ng ganun, kasi nasasaktan ako para sa kanya. Eh siya naman, wala lang sa kanya. Ang kulit eh. Hinahayaan niya lang lagi. Hindi siya nangangatwiran. Hindi niya pinagtatanggol sarili niya. Hindi niya ineexplain yung side niya.

Naiisip ko, sana makaipon na ko madaming pera. Bibili na kami ng bahay. Bubukod na kami. Doon, wala na magdedemand sa kanya. Ako na lang! Haha. Atleast, obligasyon niya yung saken. Pareho kami, magdedemand sa isa't isa.. Ang idedemand ko lang naman, lambing niya :">

Di naman ako galit sa kanila eh. Mahal ko pa din naman sila... Pero siyempre, pag mga oras na ginaganun nila si Jong, nasasaktan lang yung ego ko bilang asawa niya. Na, sana wag naman nila ganunin sa harap ko si Jong :(

Sudden Thoughts

ANG SWERTE NILA HINDI AKO ANG ANAK NILA..

ANG SWERTE KO, SILA ANG PAMILYA KO..

ANG SWERTE KO TINANGGAP PA DIN AKO.

ANG MALAS NILA, WALA NA KO MABIBIGAY PA.

ANG MALAS NILA, BINIGO KO SILA.

LOVE.

        

 Why do I love him so much? Why do I always need him? Why can't I live a day without him? There's just nothing I can't do for him, just like how he would never do things not for my sake.

He'll do whatever I say. It's proven. He'll make me happy every single day. His sweetness is incomparable. He treats me like a princess before, and when Iya came, he then started treating me like his master. I'm guilty for acting like a brat sometimes. I just can't help myself being the boss when I know he doesn't have the courage to say no. But that's just maybe because I feel weak at these times. I feel restless and invalid. I can't move on my own. I can't do what I'm doing before and I can't always be as maharot as I am before.

Yes I'm the lucky girl. But I promised to myself, I will never make him think that I'm a mistake. He won't regret having me and Iya. He will never think that someone's better than me.

Right now, maybe I'm not so capable of doing things for him and it's because I can't do everything for myself either without a lot help from him. But I'm just waiting to have a chance and when I already have it, I will give everything he needs. Next time, I'll be the one to make sacrifices. I'm gonna have a job, and it's payback time! This time, hindi na niya titipirin ang sarili niya. I'm sure kahit hindi malaki ang sweldo ko, kaya ko sila suportahan ni Iya. He said so.. "May katrabaho nga ako dun, 4k lang sweldo niya every payday tapos 4 ang anak niya at nagaaral na lahat." That's so inspiring. Haha! That's what I love about him. I've learned a lot from Jong. If before I always crave for a job that will compensate me for more than 25k a month, now, it won't matter anymore as long as I have a job. He taught me how to appreciate small things. He taught me how to handle hard things easier. He taught me not to ask for too much. Mabubuhay naman kami kahit sapat lang. Kahit hindi sobra sobra ang mga resources namin. Hindi naman namin laging kailangan ng sobra.

Hay.. Maybe I grew up dreaming to be one of the richest people. Haha. Yeah, that's why. I'm always dreaming... But Jong never asked for it.. Jong will never ask for it. He's the simplest person I've known. He doesn't need anything but me. As long as we're living, that's enough for him. Naww.. I'm so confident about that kasi I know that the truth.

Eh pano kung, kaya hindi umaasenso ang marami ay dahil hindi nga sila naghahangad ng mataas?
I've thought about that pero who cares? Sabi nga, pag namatay ka, hindi naman tatanungin ng Diyos kung gaano karaming pera meron ka nung nabubuhay ka pa. Itatanong niya, kung anong mga magagandang nagawa mo nung nabubuhay ka pa.

I really thank God for giving me the people that I need, not the people that I want. Right now, I can only serve Jong with little things like waking up for him and cook breakfast and baon. Prepare lunch and dinner whenever his mother isn't around :D I don't know how to cook though but I'm trying. ^^,
Support him in his intern and studies. Prepare his everyday needs. Help him with his school works. And bond with him as long as he wants (sexy time included) Haha.

Those things will never be an obligation for me to do for him, but an expression of how much I love and adore my husband :P I will never get tired of serving him. I will never stop making him feel that he's worth it all.

I'll be the best, I know I am :) Happy Monthsary, Yagballs (For this coming 21st) :D I LOVE YOU! <3

GIFTS PLEEEASE!

Hello Ninongs, Ninangs, Titos and Titas!

It's confirmed :) I'm a girl. My mom just had her ultrasound today. Finally, she can buy my things naaa.
I'm excited to come out, as excited as my mom :)

<3 Eclair

I'm the happiest!! I want my baby, NOW! Hahahah. I've prepared these pictures for Eclair's godparents and titos and titas. They might have ideas on what we need and what we want. No toys, please! Her dad and mom can provide toys for her. Eductional and more aliw pa. And she can't enjoy pa naman those toys, not until she's maybe 7 months old?

These items can be searched through the internet, and can be bought in any infant's shop.

CAR SEAT. This may cost 1,500 - 2,000.  I know we don't have a car but if ever Jong's gonna learn how to drive, we can always borrow his dad's car. For the sake of Eclair :)

       

             
      Diaper Cloth costs 350 per piece in Babyland Shop. I don't know where else can we buy it but if it's possible, I would rather use this kind of diaper. I just discovered it while searching through net. It's a combination of "lampin" and a real diaper. The cloth inside is a microfiber cloth that is reusable and washable and on the outside is like the normal diaper. The good thing about this of course is it's not disposable. You can reuse it after washing and drying the cloth inside it. So, if we have even 10-15 of these, sulit na! Adjustable din siya so from newborn until it still fits, Eclair can use it! :)

BATH BED. This is not really the style that I want. But this thing might cost 300-700. You may include Bath Set for the baby if you want such as no tears shampoo, lotion, hooded towels, cotton balls and water heater XD






           



STERILIZER for bottles are important to avoid the baby from tummy aches and of course to keep the bottles clean. I don't know how much it costs but AVENT really has unbelievable prices so better not to buy from AVENT. Eclair won't use it forever naman eh.

                     

SLING STYLE BAG for mommy :) It looks like kaartehan for mommy but I don't want to wander around the mall or go for baby's check ups by just carrying her overexpose from anything. This one looks so comfortable for the both of us. I wonder how it cost but since I'm gonna use it just for the first months, if I have to buy it, I'm gonna have a budget of 500 Php only :) More than that, Jong will gonna carry her na lang. Haha!

I don't know how will I call this but this is just an additional. It's not a need. I just

stumble upon it on net and imagined me trying to hum a lullaby for Eclair while

she's trying to sleep. Naaaww. 

This one is what I will really need :) A BABY CARRIER that costs 1,700 in Enfant I think.

I hope my baby will not get annoyed while I'm carrying her like this. It looks compfortable

to wear naman eh and the baby's not getting tightly carried.

             

ROCKERS. \m/ yeah! Hahah. I know it's hard when the baby started to cry that I know she already want to sleep. So, if possible, I want her to get use to sleeping into her rockers. Hahah. Puro pampadali ng buhay ko eh noh? Pwede naman i-hele ko sya habang karga ko. Hahah. Maarte mommy niya. Saaareeh.

                

Changing Pads cost 500-1,000 and is very useful whenever changing diapers of course.

I'm gonna need it during times like I can't carry her and wash under the faucet. So that goes around

from 0-6 months? I really have a low stomach regarding about poops and everything.

I hope I can always be strong when it comes to my baby :) I don't wanna blow up while cleaning 

her :D

WALKING ASSISTANT. Found this in facebook, worth 700. It will sure help Eclair to walk as early as 7 months! Basta nakakatayo na, lakad naaa! Hahah.

And for more gifts, or if you don't have any idea what to give her, choose always clothes :)

It will be more appreciated than toys! I love searching for little angels' clothes. 

I want something pink or purple with headband ALWAYS! :D hahah. Para 

masanay ang baby ko na may nakalagay sa ulo niya palagi. Hahah. So she'll

never remove it when I put something on her head :)

Eeeehhhhh!!! It is really... A GIRL!!! I can't wait baby!

My past Ading.

Why do I always give letters? He's surely tired of reading the same thoughts for him. The same words that I even tell him in person. So why write it?

I have this nothing-to-do-day with him. He's just playing computer games and I'm tired browsing so I decided to fix  his things and throw unnecessary stuff. I ended up reading and reading his letters to me and mine to him. It's nakakatuwa kasi even from the beginning of our college, even we're not yet officially "ON", we're like so sweet and we're dating! Gah. I'm so depress that there are just a few memories I have in mind together with Ading. I can't remember everything, since I'm not into him since then. He's my friend, I know. I open up everything to him, from anton, to cyrus, to my family and my friends (ryan, dianne, abi). He knows it all. He's really into listening not into making kwento so I'm glad. Hahah. Napakadaldal ko kasi and he's always there just to listen. 

When I'm reading again all his letters and mine, it's just funny how we end up like this. Kasi, we're like kids pa nung first year and super sweet namin sa isa't isa kahit hindi kami. He will sometimes give me letter in between classes just to say "Aneng ko, smile ka naman jan!" He's always telling me na ang sungit sungit ko daw sa klase, napakaseryoso ko daw lalo na pag Math. And when I read those letters, I can't even remember that I'm noticing him looking at me during classes. Siguro nga, busy ako sa pagaaral at seryoso masyado. He's not even one of my circle of friends nun. It's just me and him but we have different group. 

I've read also our "i love you" letters to think na he has a girlfriend that time I  guess. Aha! I remembered, just now. He has this letter for me, actually, he's making kwento about himself in letters naman. He talked about all the girls that he had. HMP! Kala mo kay gwapo, sabi ko. Kasi ba naman, sa dami!!

I don't know. Sobrang saya ko pag magkakwentuhan kami but never in my mind I've thought that I'll be happier, happiest, when this time came that we're actually couple :) I even told him, siguro kung nagkagusto na agad ako sa kanya dati pa nung nagkagusto siya saken nugn first year, siguro, konti lang ang pagkakamali ko sa buhay. No cyrus, no JT, no Anaya, no Jayjay, no Jep, no Chua. Basta. Yung mga boys na naging jowa ko o nakalandian ko. Wala siguro yun lahat at siguro walang gaanong pagkakamali sa lovelife ko. And he'll just say, "ok lang yun. di mo naman talaga kasi ako napapansin dati" with drama effect. And I'll just laugh and kiss him telling him na "Bakit? Tayo naman na ah, and I am so contented than ever." Hahah. 

I'm so fond of Jong. I'm also fond of thinking those memories. Few memories that I have nung hindi pa kami. Kasi it feels like ang ganda ng story namin. Na kami din pala sa huli, naging choosy pa kasi ako! Hahah.

I can remember how he first talked to me. If my memories are correct, the first thing he asked me is, if I already have a boyfriend. Haha. Silly. Obvious na may gusto na saken :))

From then on, I opened up about Anton. About everything. When I'm tired with the girls (Joy and Tin), I approach him and we're like having our own world :D He  bought something for Von pa nga dati. Yung hot wheels? Tapos, he buys fries and flurry for me pag naglalambing sya. Pati cotton candy. Tapos, nagkukwentuhan kami sa dorm dati, I remember the scene very well. Na habang nagkukwentuhan kami, naiisip ko, nakakahiya kasi kaming dalawa lang sa dorm. Naiilang ako. HAHA! Conservative pa ko nun! Shet. Hahahah.

And now, whenever I remember those things, I started kissing him and loving him more and more. Those memories are treasure. It will never fade. And I know, when everything fall apart, it's my only way back to him. And I know, everything will be okay once again :)

Anniversary? EPIC FAIL.

Hayyyy. Di ko man lang naipagluto si Jong! I was sick the whole day of July 21st!! Grrrrr. The days after are just, I don't know.. Different I guess kaya parang di ko na maituloy. Lost the excitement na kasi :( Yung graham cake lang yung nagawa ko. Kasi after that, ang sakit sakit talaga ng ulo ko at hindi ko kaya magluto :(

Pero we both have our gifts naman kaya masaya pa din. We both have each other :D Hahaha. Cheeeesy.

No, I mean.. This time, he's the one who made the effort! Kahit na, hindi natuloy yung plano kung paano ko makukuha yung gifts, everything was a surprise pa din kasi I didn't expect him to give me all that!

The plan he have in mind is when I'm about to take a bath, I'll have to see this orchids standing on top of my underwear's dresser because he knows that's the first thing I have to prepare before taking a bath.

Secondly, after preparing my undies, the shirt and shorts naman. And he said, this is the one I must seeee :)

Grabeng tuwa ko dito!!! Kahit na hindi ko syempre pwedeng papakin lhat! Bawal sa buntis!!! AHAHAHA. After ko daw maligo, he knows I'll get my laptop and do FB so, ito daw makikita ko sa ibabaw ng laptop ko..

Yung book lang actually. Tapos the anklet will be together with the orchids pala :)

He also have this notebook na ibibigay niya lang saken..

It should have his letter inside. Kaso, wala siyang time magsulat sabi niya. But I know he's just 

too lasy to write one! HMP! hahah. Pero the thought really counts.

                  

Lastly, this cake made me cry. Ewan ko kung bakit pero ang sweeeet kasi!!

                                         

Ang dami niyang gift talaga!! It doesn't matter kung hindi natuloy yung plano niyang way ng pagsurprise saken. Pero, sobrang nasurprise pa din ako! Tsaka, by just receiving these things, I know pinagplanuhan at pinagisipan niya ng matagal.... Samantalang ako... Ipagluluto ko lang dapat siya.. At ito..

                       

At letter sana.. Pero walang lutong naganap, wala ding letter :( Wala kasi akong materials. Ang FAIL ko talaga ngayong anniv namin na to! Ito lang naibigay ko. Pero todo appreciate talaga siya. Na para bang mas madami pa akong binigay. Ganun siya kagaling magappreciate ng lahat ng ginagawa at binibigay ko. Hayy. I'm so unfair!! Hahaha.

Pero, alam ko, pareho kaming natuwa sa anniv namin. Kahit nasa bahay lang kami at inaalagaan niya ko dahil masama ang pakiramdam ko.. Babawi din ako sa kanya at ipagluluto ko pa din sya :) PROMISE!!

Check-up 6th Month

Just for the memories and for Eclair to read someday :) BTW, I'm sooo excited for August 13th!!! Papaultrasound na ko to know the gender :D although of course, we're expecting it's a girl :)
Everyone does. I mean, kahit nga hindi ko kakilala, sinasabing girl daw 'to sa hula nila. Ang ganda ko daw kasi magbuntis. Ohaaaaaa. Love itt!!!

Kainis si Jong. Pwede na kasi tomorrow ako magpa-ultra sound eh :( Ayaw paaaaa! Huhu. Isabay ko na daw sa checking nung anti-hbs ko :(

My OB gave me my second dose of Tetoxide. Anti-tetanus chorva. And my first does of HBS I guess? Basta. For Heppa resistance :)

Almost there..

I haven’t got the chance again to take pictures from yesterday’s moments. Fail. But it goes this way....

Mama and I planned my 2 days 2 nights stay in our new renovated house just to see it personally, and to be with them of course in spite of my bad terms with papa. Actually, I don’t wanna be with them with just the four of us thinking that it is awkward for papa and I so I suggested if naynay, my titas and cousins can come too on weekends. And the plan went well. Friday night, Jong drove me home. Haha. As if, he has a car? =)) After watching HP DH part 2, he went along with me to the meeting place. I shouldn’t be seen actually by whoever knows me so Mama picked me up at Mcdonald’s Elvinda around 8 in the evening.

Good news is, naynay and everyone else arrived just an hour after I arrived so I don’t have to worry about Papa. I mean, if I get to see him, I don’t know whether to kiss him, to start crying or just talk to him normally. Good thing, they’ve arrived earlier before Papa does. The first night was fun and just normal. I’m about to sleep when he arrived so, no problem at all.

Second day, they’re all busy fixing the some left over works for the house such as a few more lights, curtain hangers, mirrors, etc. Those are for the boys (Tito Bodz, Tatay and Pa), while the girls clean the house little by little. I have nothing to do but to fix my own things in my room and throw unnecessary things. I forgot to take pictures of how many clothes I have from the beginning of my general cleaning until it goes into half. Gave almost everything to my cousins since they’re as slim as I am before. Huhuh. L

During lunch time, my tito was like teasing me.. “La, alam mo ba kanina nung namamalengke kami, sabi sakin ni papa mo, oh, bilhan mo si kristel ng saging... Naks! Concern pa din ang papa niya..” I don’t know if that’s for real but it made me happy for a while. The day ends without any single word from Papa, as I’ve expected yet you can never imagine how happy I am being with them that time.

Sunday.

My last few hours are surprises for me. The original plan is to meet Jong somewhere in Pacita for the obvious reason that Papa doesn’t want to see him yet. That was clear to him. I thought Kuya Jason will be the one to come with him and fetch me up but Mama (Jong's) texted me saying, “Susunduin ka daw namin..” I panicked right away! I told her, “Hala, nakakahiya po wag na lang po si Jong na lang..” But she insisted it’s okay. I thought it will be a shame if I won’t even bother to invite them to come straight in our house. So I told her to have lunch with us na lang which is out of the plan. I called Jong telling him, why did he ask his parents to come with him so I felt like I don’t have a choice kasi naman ang pangit na nandun na sila malapit samen, tapos sa Pacita lang magkikita.

When I told Mama that they’re coming, her reactions were clear to me that she doesn’t want to. First of all, Inay and the others will leave right after breakfast. It was 7:30 in the morning I think when I told her. Then she asked Papa if it’s okay. His statement was, “Aalis na lang ako kung pupunta sila.” I started crying. I just don’t know how am I gonna face Jong’s parents with only me and Mama in the house and nothing prepared for them. I begged Tatay to stay until lunch. He, then, talked to Papa and convinces him not to leave. After a few, Papa entered the house with a fierce mood asking me, “Ano ba? Ano ba ang plano mo?” I was shocked that he really did talk to me. I was crying then. Mama, too.

Tel: “Wag na lang po Pa, sa Pacita ko na lang sila kikitain.”

Pa:  “Akala ko ba gabi ka pa magpapasundo, at sa Pacita nga lang ang planong susunduin ka? Alam mo naman na wala pang nakakaalam dito diba?”

Mama: “Ba’t kasi hindi pa tanggapin eh. Nandyan na nga eh. Wala naman na tayong magagawa eh. Sabihin naman ng parents ni John Donn eh wala man lang tayong pakialam sa anak naten. At paano kung lalo silang mawalan ng gana dahil dyan at bigla na lang ibalik dito sa Kristel at hindi nga panagutan?”

Pa: “Ne, anong sinasabi mong walang pakialam? Magkaiba ang walang pakialam sa hindi pa matanggap. Hindi ko pa matanggap dahil malaki ang pakialam ko. Anak ko yan eh. Mahal na mahal ko yang anak ko kaya ako nagkakaganito kaya dapat intindihin niyo kung bakit ganito pa ako.” His voice was like in pain. Just about to cry.

I’ve burst into tears. More more more tears. I’ve never realized that after all, Papa still loves me just the same. I can feel it.

Mama: “Edi pasensya, nagkamali ako ng word. Ang ibig sabihin ko nga lang ay nandyan na sila eh, papunta na. Makiharap man lang tayo sa kanila ng maayos hindi yung aalis ka pa.”

PAUSE.

Pa: “Sige, okay na ako. (Facing me) Papuntahin mo na sila. Padiretsohin mo na dito.”

Tel:  “Hindi po, sinabi ko na kay JD na sa Pacita na lang. Okay lang naman po. Kasi kanina, okay naman po ang plano na sa Pacita naman na talaga. Akala ko kasi kuya niya lang ang susundo, edi okay lang na hindi na nga po pupunta dito. Kaso, nagtext nga po bigla yung mama ni JD na sila ang susundo. Sa akin lang naman nga po, eh patuluyin man lang po dito, tutal eh nandito na. Pero Pa, alam naman nila ang sitwasyon. Maiintindihan naman nila kung hindi niyo pa kaya kasi sinabi ko naman sa kanila na hindi niyo pa nga po tanggap at wala pang nakakaalam dito.”

Sobrang iyak ko na, at hindi ko maituwid ang pagsasalita ko. Shet.

Pa: (Lumapit sa ‘kin at hinimas ang likod ko) “Oh sya, tama na. Tama na ang pagi-yak."

I hugged him so tight when he approached me and began to cry harder.

Tel: “Sorry po, Papa...” =(((

Pa: “Tama na, tama na.. Sige na.. Okay na. Papuntahin mo na dito. Wag ka na umiyak. (Looking to Mama he said) Ikuha mo nga ng tubig ito.."

Mama: "Oh, tubig. Maligo ka na.. Sabihin mong dito na sila dumirecho."

I AM SO RELIEVED.. Not only because the plan went well but because Papa started to accept me once again. Huhuhu. I’m so blessed, really.

They arrived at around 10:30. Everything went well. Kwentuhan. Papa told them the story and how he’s coping up about me. I’m not paying attention to what they are talking about thinking that it might be awkward for Papa na nakikinig ako while he’s telling them his feelings towards me.

We ate lunch together. Jong’s parents, he himself, my parents and me. Lunch was overwhelming because they liked the food that my Ninang prepared for them.

We left around 1 and before leaving, Papa handed me money and I hugged him again so tight saying, “Thank you po, Papa. I love you...” He hugged back and told me, “Sige na. Sige na.” His tone was like, he will burst into tears any moment. It’s heart breaking but heart warming at the same time.

Okay na kami, alam ko. Konti na lang ang mapapatawad na din ako ng Papa ko. Konti na lang din at makakabawi din ako sa lahat, kami ni Jong.. We’re almost there..