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it's cold. i'm freezing. inside. i can hear  their laughters. they enjoy the discussion. and i don't. nonsense discussion. I'M NOT A VISIONARY. i can't lie to myself. you see, i know what i really feel inside me. and yes, I AM A LIAR. at least not like someone. i can only lie to others. i may seem so strong in front of others, yet i still dwell with the hardest thing. solitude. nightmare. unbearable loneliness. there's so much tension within me. sometimes, i can't endure the hurt. it's like i'm dying deeper under the ocean and each time i move my hands and my feet, i can feel the pressure. higher. more unexplicable and impossible to deal with. i'm waiting. the pain is still here. meaning: i'm not yet dead. would someone find me before i close my eyes and surrender? no. i don't think so. i won't wait for anyone. i will my own.

11-12-08