[[ All of a sudden, she's here. Writing (or typing) something for her own dopey satisfaction. Well, Tel knows that everything changed around her and all she can do is to flex with it. She will give it a try. She promised. ]]
Every single letter for her marks an unidentified meaning beyond the understanding of her unconventional mind. It's a defense mechanism that she habitually muddle through. Oh well, enough for the explanations of how she get into this...
Is this worth doing? Am I cultivating myself properly to the extent of my necessities? Maybe 80% of what I'm doing right now is for the better. Not for myself but for the others. I'm training my mouth to utter only the words they need to hear.. I'm showing ONLY the moods and emanations that I'm ready to defend when they asked me how is it.. I'm trying to focus on my school works (first things first).. And I'm slowly scraping (or eliminating?) the things I don't need, the things for NO good, and the effing humans who always disturbs me physically, emotionally, and cychologically.. Did I say cychologically or psychologically? And did I say slowly? or.. Yeah, slowly.. ;p
Maybe I'm just desperate to deprive the bossy attitude of my heart.. I mean, let's just say that I'm willing to do anything just to stop my heart from beating for a memory that will never come back. I will commit myself to repair what damage he had made (a total wreck). I will be ready to use my mind over my heart and no matter how am I inlove with a person, I will never push myself to the limit of limitations. Not again in Tel''s effing life!
I will take control of myself. Limits are limits.. NO ROOM for relationships right now.. No time for entertaining courtships or whatever they call it. Simple sign of affection, I'll get rid of you. Anyone that will come. Hahaha. I'm bad! It's better to scrap him in the beginning than hurt him while he's around. When I learn to love moderately, that's the time I can say I'm again ready.. But as long as tears engulf my heart, as long as confusions surrounds my mind, and as long as I'm a TH of letting go a memory, I will never love again... Never let my heart fall again..
I will make a change. I will take a chance. I will take a risk. I will be ready to forgive all of you. I will find my escape in this hell. I know I'm still caged inside this darkness, but one day I will wake up from a nightmare and enter the chamber of hope I was desperately asking for. Hope to let go and breakaway. I won't be afraid anymore. ^_^ May God always help me get through this....
Okay, go back to work Tel.. Too much of desire for your own intuition.
7-05-08
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